You needn't worry. There is time.

You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Patrice, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary. This was perfect this morning for this. I have been thinking about all of the things I haven't done...things I started but didn't finish.

I'm in my fifties now and I've been thinking of what I want to do, what I miss, what I need to do....and how I feel when I feel happy...where I am, etc., Music and travel make me happy. So I'm dedicated to taking care of my responsibilities, getting outstanding issues resolved but while I am doing so, I am planning the ways to make me happy and healthy. First, I'm taking piano lessons again. I don't have a piano, but I have a keyboard and I was relatively good at the piano and after seeing Harry Connick Jr in concert and how he can PLAY, I want to study again. Second, I am going to enroll in either German or Spanish classes and STUDY and practice. Third, I'm traveling. I've got weeks of vacation...I need to use them and I'm going to. Chicago, New Orleans, NYC first...then out of the country to visit friends and places I've been, places I've never been....see things, experience life again outside of Tulsa.

Easter

A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act." - Mahatma Gandhi Thank you to a childhood friend for reminding me of this quote. It is Easter Sunday and I am not going to family for dinner as I would have done prior to two years ago. Last week in my CODA group we read the perfect part of Step Twelve. I am responsible for my own recovery as are the people in my life. I fix me....and how my family responds is completely up to them. But I have to get past the pain and sadness of my closest family members turning their back on me. I've learned so much about myself this year...2016...I've taken a very hard, intense look inside and outside and I'm still doing But after all of my life, I'm just now learning who I am and who I want to be.

"Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco I'm working on loving myself. I don't know if I will ever have a deep love from someone, I hope I do. But I'm working hard on loving myself and forgiving myself for everything. I'm dreaming again...what might be. I haven't done that in a long, long time.

Struggling vs Acceptance

Struggling, trying to physically manipulate the circumstances of one's life, reveals a misunderstanding of how those circumstances were actually created. And for the focus placed on them during the struggle, it actually serves to keep things from changing. Acceptance, on the other hand, reveals an understanding that today's circumstances arose from yesterday's focus, encouraging introspection and fueling new thought, actually serving to hasten change.

Addiction #1

Food addiction. I am a food addict. I don't know when it happened, possibly I've always had it. I just managed it better when I was young. Now, after everything I tried, I'm still addicted. Now I'm doing a twelve step and seeing a therapist. I cannot do it alone. I used it to sooth myself, make myself happy, and as punishment. And it makes me dislike myself so much...there are times I cannot control the beast. Unlike Alcoholics and Drug Addicts I cannot live without food. I have to learn how to cage the tiger and only let it out when required.

Getting it out

Dear Sister, Your actions over the past 27 months have been devastating to me. When you determined I was no longer worthy to be your sister, you not only took away your presence in my life, but you took away Evie & Cora. You know how much I love those girls. You took away my family. You know it, I know it, and I'm not sure I can get over it. In my world I would have stood by you no matter what. Wait....I did that for you. You were constant trouble when we were growing up. From the time I was Cora's age you started and it only escalated. I watched you smoke, drink, smoke weed, take pills, sleep around...always letting me know...always making me keep your secrets. I was a little girl. Your screaming fights with Mom almost every day, it seemed, terrorized me. I watched you salute Mom and Dad behind their backs with the "Heil Hitler", knowing how bad it was. You ran away all the time. You think I don't remember. That scared me. You caused trouble between Mom and Dad because you did everything you could to keep angst and resentment circulating through the house. Remember that night when Dad had enough and packed and bag and left? Do you know where I was when he did that? I was standing at the front window watching him load the bag into the trunk. I was crying; so scared my Daddy was leaving. It was you. Thank God, he came back a couple of hours later. You "borrowed" money from you 10 year old sister to buy weed and beer. You would come into my room when I was asleep and ask if you could borrow money. Of course I gave it to you. Then when Mom or Dad wanted to know where my allowance was or the money in my piggy bank, I lied for you. Every time the fights started, I was sent to my room. I was frightened and didn't understand. I WAS ABANDONED. My world was falling apart. It only got worse. You dated and slept with guys and then that horrible, Victor. He tried to "play rape" me when I was 11. He had me down on the floor of your bedroom and kept saying, "let's play honeymoon". I freaked out, fighting, crying and got away. AND YOU WERE THERE. I was terrified and you let him. Then when you graduated you left; you ran away to Caracas with that horrible man. You abandoned me again. You left me with a mother crazed to find you an a distant worried father. Both were terrified for you. They did everything to find you. They got through to the American Embassy and were able to find you. I don't know how they got you out of the country, but they did and you came back to Tulsa...but not home. You didn't even come back to the house. It was up to ME at 11 years old to go to that horrible apartment you were staying in with that drug soaked Greg Allman wanna be. I went and brought you home. I still remember walking into our house and Mom and Dad were standing in the dining room...and you walked in behind me. I've held your secrets. I know everything you did. I know the big secret you can't let anyone in the family know. I have never, ever turned away from you. I moved back to Tulsa just because you were having to do so much when Dad was ill. I came to every event in your life. I came to everything your children did. I was always there for you. You abandoned me.

February 2016

On January 21 I was broken open. Since then I've been scared and fighting for my life. After all this time I've realized I have to fix myself in order to be the real me. I've been so afraid of what is inside of me for so long that I had to be hit with a cosmic two-by-four to get my shit together. I've stared my addictions in the face and I am now, finally, putting in the work...not just putting on a band aid. By the grace of all things holy and my hard work, I'm going to make myself a stronger, better woman.

Lessons learned even now

I made a mistake recently, one I didn't think I would make again. I am not kicking myself as I once would have, but just shaking my head and wondering why some people still feel the need to play games with others feelings.

That is just not acceptable to me any longer.

Patience, kindness, love, friendship are just not qualities that certain people understand and respect and respond to. It is all about them, their needs at the moment.

I suppose what bothers me the most is that people present themselves as "good"...."hey, I really am a nice person" and they use that to get you...lure you in....mistakes are made and then you move on.