Getting it out

Dear Sister, Your actions over the past 27 months have been devastating to me. When you determined I was no longer worthy to be your sister, you not only took away your presence in my life, but you took away Evie & Cora. You know how much I love those girls. You took away my family. You know it, I know it, and I'm not sure I can get over it. In my world I would have stood by you no matter what. Wait....I did that for you. You were constant trouble when we were growing up. From the time I was Cora's age you started and it only escalated. I watched you smoke, drink, smoke weed, take pills, sleep around...always letting me know...always making me keep your secrets. I was a little girl. Your screaming fights with Mom almost every day, it seemed, terrorized me. I watched you salute Mom and Dad behind their backs with the "Heil Hitler", knowing how bad it was. You ran away all the time. You think I don't remember. That scared me. You caused trouble between Mom and Dad because you did everything you could to keep angst and resentment circulating through the house. Remember that night when Dad had enough and packed and bag and left? Do you know where I was when he did that? I was standing at the front window watching him load the bag into the trunk. I was crying; so scared my Daddy was leaving. It was you. Thank God, he came back a couple of hours later. You "borrowed" money from you 10 year old sister to buy weed and beer. You would come into my room when I was asleep and ask if you could borrow money. Of course I gave it to you. Then when Mom or Dad wanted to know where my allowance was or the money in my piggy bank, I lied for you. Every time the fights started, I was sent to my room. I was frightened and didn't understand. I WAS ABANDONED. My world was falling apart. It only got worse. You dated and slept with guys and then that horrible, Victor. He tried to "play rape" me when I was 11. He had me down on the floor of your bedroom and kept saying, "let's play honeymoon". I freaked out, fighting, crying and got away. AND YOU WERE THERE. I was terrified and you let him. Then when you graduated you left; you ran away to Caracas with that horrible man. You abandoned me again. You left me with a mother crazed to find you an a distant worried father. Both were terrified for you. They did everything to find you. They got through to the American Embassy and were able to find you. I don't know how they got you out of the country, but they did and you came back to Tulsa...but not home. You didn't even come back to the house. It was up to ME at 11 years old to go to that horrible apartment you were staying in with that drug soaked Greg Allman wanna be. I went and brought you home. I still remember walking into our house and Mom and Dad were standing in the dining room...and you walked in behind me. I've held your secrets. I know everything you did. I know the big secret you can't let anyone in the family know. I have never, ever turned away from you. I moved back to Tulsa just because you were having to do so much when Dad was ill. I came to every event in your life. I came to everything your children did. I was always there for you. You abandoned me.

February 2016

On January 21 I was broken open. Since then I've been scared and fighting for my life. After all this time I've realized I have to fix myself in order to be the real me. I've been so afraid of what is inside of me for so long that I had to be hit with a cosmic two-by-four to get my shit together. I've stared my addictions in the face and I am now, finally, putting in the work...not just putting on a band aid. By the grace of all things holy and my hard work, I'm going to make myself a stronger, better woman.

Lessons learned even now

I made a mistake recently, one I didn't think I would make again. I am not kicking myself as I once would have, but just shaking my head and wondering why some people still feel the need to play games with others feelings.

That is just not acceptable to me any longer.

Patience, kindness, love, friendship are just not qualities that certain people understand and respect and respond to. It is all about them, their needs at the moment.

I suppose what bothers me the most is that people present themselves as "good"...."hey, I really am a nice person" and they use that to get you...lure you in....mistakes are made and then you move on.

Goodbyes are tough

...letting go is much more difficult. This past week has brought about some major changes in my life. I kissed and hugged someone I love dearly goodbye and today I let him go. That old saying of setting something free is lame but true. How else are you ever going to know if someone cares for you than to let them go on their way with your love and support?

And I did that, not really understanding, but understanding myself.

I am strong and wonderful and I found someone strong and wonderful...yet needing peace.

Love is a very very tricky thing. I'm not so sure that I always like Love.

Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God’s response. Let go, and watch the stars come out – on the outside and on the inside.

With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go. Most importantly, rebuild yourself. This situation will make you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate being. Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life.

Adjustments

Today was another physical therapy day for me and my neck. So far, things have been progressing well, the pain in my shoulder is gone and the numbness that was in my thumb, forearm, middle and forefinger is gone. I am left with numbness in the tip of my middle finger.

I have gone about six times and each time I have been given exercises that I do there and at home and progress is being made.

But today, oh today, was different. I did my customary exercises in the chair, posture perfect, head pulled back tight, head back, waggle chin, tuck, and come back up. Then we got to get on the elevated padded work space. On my stomach, up on my elbows, and I tucked my chin back, put my head back, relaxed my spin and then came back. I was thinking, "hey, this is pretty cool" I wasn't feeling any pain, it felt good on my neck and spin to stretch it. Jennifer was finished with me. I then went to "the rack" as I like to call it. It was a padded table, almost like a massage table as there was an area cut out where you would put your face. But I didn't get to use that. Again, on my stomach, on my elbows and Jennifer told me to tuck my chin. I did as instructed and then little, tiny Jennifer grabbed my chin with one hand and pressing down with her arm on my shoulders she pushed....pushed HARD. At one point I wondered when my lower jaw would break. Then I wondered if my lower jaw doesn't break, will she snap my neck.

But I'm tough and I took it and she stopped. She asked me if I was ok and I nodded and we did it again. Five times.

I thought, "can't be any worse"...until Jennifer told me that now she would do all the work. I wouldn't have to tuck my chin...she did it and basically put all of her weight into pushing my lower jaw back as far as it would go and pushing down on my shoulders and spine.

There were two older women working with their Physical Therapists; one with her knee and one with her hip. They both stopped with their mouths open. One lady actually covered her eyes and said, "I don't want to see this." The other lady said to her therapist, "I'm so glad it's only my knee. I will never complain about it again."

As uncomfortable as it was, it felt good. The numbness in the tip of my finger turned to pins and needles and that is a huge improvement.

I go back tomorrow. I know I go back on the rack tomorrow. I'm just happy that my Physical Therapist isn't a big man. I don't know how much of that pressure I could take.

When is a friendship officially over?

I look back on all of my long-term friendships and wonder what exactly we did as friends to keep them alive even after years apart. Is it just a deep abiding love for each other? Is it mutual respect, a sense of calmness? I have people in my life I grew up with and I can be apart from them for years as I lived away and then see them and it is like there has been no distance, either miles or time.
Then there are friends that I've worked hard to keep the friendship going until a time when I realized I was the only one putting in any effort. So I put out as much effort as they, and the friendship seemed to wither; not a word of explanation.
I asked one such person a couple of weeks ago on the phone "is this over?" I meant is our friendship and association, in his eyes, finished? I asked this because I was receiving cold responses, and an complete lack of feeling.
In that case, I left him alone. His silence said it all. Silence says, "I no longer want you in my life." No other explanation, or response. I understand.
But friendship is a very valuable commodity. When you become my friend it means I make a commitment to you. I'm there to help, to support, to lend a hand, and a shoulder to cry on...and in turn, I expect the same.

I have a group of friends in Chicago whom I see now only a couple of times a year, but each time we gather, it is always filled with laughter and conversation and love.
Two friends in particular in Chicago I count among my closest, Regina and Julie. Two totally different women, two tiny little women, but with huge hearts. I can talk to Regina when I'm having troubles and she listens and offers a kind word and support. It is just impossible to be down around Julie. She expects everyone to be happy and full of love. I'm smiling now as I think of them.

My two close friends in Dallas, Richard and Kevin. I've known them for 25 years and although I don't see them we still catch up with each other and our families.
But a friend I feel, correction, I know I have lost, leaves me baffled. But I cannot fix him and fixing is exactly what he needs but it must come from within. I mourn the loss because he was a good man...but I no longer know who he is now.

Marriage

Real marriage....the day in and day out stuff is what makes them strong.

At 5:00 p.m. Mass today I witnessed simple signs of a true connection. Signs as simple as the husbands hand on his wife's back as they enter the pew. But the gesture that made me smile was the couple that came in and sat two rows up and to the left of me. She had on a sleeveless dress and she genuflected then sat and as her husband sat he reached over and tucked her bra strap under her dress at her shoulder. A simple, easy, loving gesture. It said so many things to me. First, it said, "we are some comfortable with each other." It also told me he had respect for her and a gesture of tucking a label in or a bra strap showed he cared.
Trust me, no man, unless your gay best friend or your husband would do that.
At the Sign of Peace portion of the Mass the married couple in front of me turned and kissed on the lips. Not a quick smack, but a tender, brief, real kiss.
Three rows ahead of me sat a couple in their seventies that had dated in hgigh school and were sweethearts. Her mother suddenly became ill and they had to move leaving him behind. They lost touch. They both went on to college, married others, had children, and when both of their spouses died, they moved to Tulsa, not knowing the other was moving. They found each other in their late 60's at Church and fell back in love and married. I love watching them because it tells me there is true love and it doesn't die.

There are those couples who are lucky enough to be soul mates. Being truly and deeply in love with each other is more than what most people could ask for in a relationship. But when you glimpse it or are around it you feel good...like all things are possible.
It is the little things in a marriage that make it special. The willingness to please each other, the soft touches, and smiling glances, and yes, even the tucking of the bra strap.