Lessons learned even now

I made a mistake recently, one I didn't think I would make again. I am not kicking myself as I once would have, but just shaking my head and wondering why some people still feel the need to play games with others feelings.

That is just not acceptable to me any longer.

Patience, kindness, love, friendship are just not qualities that certain people understand and respect and respond to. It is all about them, their needs at the moment.

I suppose what bothers me the most is that people present themselves as "good"...."hey, I really am a nice person" and they use that to get you...lure you in....mistakes are made and then you move on.

Goodbyes are tough

...letting go is much more difficult. This past week has brought about some major changes in my life. I kissed and hugged someone I love dearly goodbye and today I let him go. That old saying of setting something free is lame but true. How else are you ever going to know if someone cares for you than to let them go on their way with your love and support?

And I did that, not really understanding, but understanding myself.

I am strong and wonderful and I found someone strong and wonderful...yet needing peace.

Love is a very very tricky thing. I'm not so sure that I always like Love.

Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God’s response. Let go, and watch the stars come out – on the outside and on the inside.

With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go. Most importantly, rebuild yourself. This situation will make you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate being. Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life.

Adjustments

Today was another physical therapy day for me and my neck. So far, things have been progressing well, the pain in my shoulder is gone and the numbness that was in my thumb, forearm, middle and forefinger is gone. I am left with numbness in the tip of my middle finger.

I have gone about six times and each time I have been given exercises that I do there and at home and progress is being made.

But today, oh today, was different. I did my customary exercises in the chair, posture perfect, head pulled back tight, head back, waggle chin, tuck, and come back up. Then we got to get on the elevated padded work space. On my stomach, up on my elbows, and I tucked my chin back, put my head back, relaxed my spin and then came back. I was thinking, "hey, this is pretty cool" I wasn't feeling any pain, it felt good on my neck and spin to stretch it. Jennifer was finished with me. I then went to "the rack" as I like to call it. It was a padded table, almost like a massage table as there was an area cut out where you would put your face. But I didn't get to use that. Again, on my stomach, on my elbows and Jennifer told me to tuck my chin. I did as instructed and then little, tiny Jennifer grabbed my chin with one hand and pressing down with her arm on my shoulders she pushed....pushed HARD. At one point I wondered when my lower jaw would break. Then I wondered if my lower jaw doesn't break, will she snap my neck.

But I'm tough and I took it and she stopped. She asked me if I was ok and I nodded and we did it again. Five times.

I thought, "can't be any worse"...until Jennifer told me that now she would do all the work. I wouldn't have to tuck my chin...she did it and basically put all of her weight into pushing my lower jaw back as far as it would go and pushing down on my shoulders and spine.

There were two older women working with their Physical Therapists; one with her knee and one with her hip. They both stopped with their mouths open. One lady actually covered her eyes and said, "I don't want to see this." The other lady said to her therapist, "I'm so glad it's only my knee. I will never complain about it again."

As uncomfortable as it was, it felt good. The numbness in the tip of my finger turned to pins and needles and that is a huge improvement.

I go back tomorrow. I know I go back on the rack tomorrow. I'm just happy that my Physical Therapist isn't a big man. I don't know how much of that pressure I could take.

When is a friendship officially over?

I look back on all of my long-term friendships and wonder what exactly we did as friends to keep them alive even after years apart. Is it just a deep abiding love for each other? Is it mutual respect, a sense of calmness? I have people in my life I grew up with and I can be apart from them for years as I lived away and then see them and it is like there has been no distance, either miles or time.
Then there are friends that I've worked hard to keep the friendship going until a time when I realized I was the only one putting in any effort. So I put out as much effort as they, and the friendship seemed to wither; not a word of explanation.
I asked one such person a couple of weeks ago on the phone "is this over?" I meant is our friendship and association, in his eyes, finished? I asked this because I was receiving cold responses, and an complete lack of feeling.
In that case, I left him alone. His silence said it all. Silence says, "I no longer want you in my life." No other explanation, or response. I understand.
But friendship is a very valuable commodity. When you become my friend it means I make a commitment to you. I'm there to help, to support, to lend a hand, and a shoulder to cry on...and in turn, I expect the same.

I have a group of friends in Chicago whom I see now only a couple of times a year, but each time we gather, it is always filled with laughter and conversation and love.
Two friends in particular in Chicago I count among my closest, Regina and Julie. Two totally different women, two tiny little women, but with huge hearts. I can talk to Regina when I'm having troubles and she listens and offers a kind word and support. It is just impossible to be down around Julie. She expects everyone to be happy and full of love. I'm smiling now as I think of them.

My two close friends in Dallas, Richard and Kevin. I've known them for 25 years and although I don't see them we still catch up with each other and our families.
But a friend I feel, correction, I know I have lost, leaves me baffled. But I cannot fix him and fixing is exactly what he needs but it must come from within. I mourn the loss because he was a good man...but I no longer know who he is now.

Marriage

Real marriage....the day in and day out stuff is what makes them strong.

At 5:00 p.m. Mass today I witnessed simple signs of a true connection. Signs as simple as the husbands hand on his wife's back as they enter the pew. But the gesture that made me smile was the couple that came in and sat two rows up and to the left of me. She had on a sleeveless dress and she genuflected then sat and as her husband sat he reached over and tucked her bra strap under her dress at her shoulder. A simple, easy, loving gesture. It said so many things to me. First, it said, "we are some comfortable with each other." It also told me he had respect for her and a gesture of tucking a label in or a bra strap showed he cared.
Trust me, no man, unless your gay best friend or your husband would do that.
At the Sign of Peace portion of the Mass the married couple in front of me turned and kissed on the lips. Not a quick smack, but a tender, brief, real kiss.
Three rows ahead of me sat a couple in their seventies that had dated in hgigh school and were sweethearts. Her mother suddenly became ill and they had to move leaving him behind. They lost touch. They both went on to college, married others, had children, and when both of their spouses died, they moved to Tulsa, not knowing the other was moving. They found each other in their late 60's at Church and fell back in love and married. I love watching them because it tells me there is true love and it doesn't die.

There are those couples who are lucky enough to be soul mates. Being truly and deeply in love with each other is more than what most people could ask for in a relationship. But when you glimpse it or are around it you feel good...like all things are possible.
It is the little things in a marriage that make it special. The willingness to please each other, the soft touches, and smiling glances, and yes, even the tucking of the bra strap.

I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free

I read these words and immediately thought, wow, that is going to be my new mantra.
But, can I really do it. Can I set aside all of my worries and concerns to lighten anxiety? Will this simple sentence fix all of doubts, concerns, worries, and fears?

Will a simple sentence take the place of Xanax?

I can certainly incorporate it into my daily meditation and work on this day by day.

As in everything in my life, I can try. I can do. I can learn from my endeavors.

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis.

Today I had a very busy morning at work. My day started early and I was on the phone and the computer all morning getting results. I was still living off the thrill of my accomplishment at the gym yesterday afternoon. I was feeling the physical affects but it was good because I had done something I didn't think I could.

But the thing that made my day, made me the happiest, was a little 2 1/2 year old girl, that greeted me with a huge smile as I walked into the door at the restaurant at lunch. It was the calling of my name in such an excited way and getting smooches from her that made my heart sing.

Feeling that kind of love is a wonderful thing. It makes you happy down to your bones.

It sends a message to your soul that says, "no matter what else happens today, this little girl loves me for exactly who I am". That is enough.

5 Relationship tips that make sense to me

When it comes to love, relationships can be like cars: constant care and adjustment (instead of pricey and painful visits to the body shop/marriage counselor) are often the best way to improve and strengthen your bond. One of O's staffers gets the lowdown from the experts on five fixes to start making now.



1: "Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. They like to be told what 'behavior' makes you happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing it." — Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want

2: "Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing, and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation." — John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

3: "When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner ('From now on, I will…'). And, of course, you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take two minutes, but in that time you've healed the past, built a bridge to the present, and created hope for your future." — Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage

4: "With books on the market like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused. Lead him to an experience that goes beyond his penis and makes him fully engaged—mind, body, and soul." — Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First

5: "All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks." — Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of 52 Lessons on Communicating Love

When people let you down....

Recently I have experienced a situation where I thought my friend was the person he claimed to be. Caring, kind, emotionally mature, respectful, and most importantly I thought he had integrity. Integrity is engraved deep in your soul, and can be read by the people around you based on the way you live and act. Be kind straightforward and honest in your endeavors with every person you meet.

I was wrong and it bothers me.

I am usually such a good judge of character. This time I was fooled and it troubles me. But I have done the wise thing and stopped communicating with this friend. It does me no good to try to figure out why. The why is obvious. Instead of being emotionally mature, he is still handling people like he is in high school. He has no concern for anyone but himself, he knows he hurts people and continues to do so and just moves on to the next person.

I look back and know I was kind and giving and supportive and that is all I needed to be.

Sometimes people are just so messed up that they cannot function with integrity and that is a shame. I'm not sure how you fix that other than taking a long hard look in the mirror and seeing the person you are.

Blaming everyone else is not the answer. You are your own answer. Accept responsibility for both the failures and successes in your life.

But an apology is definitely in order...but I'm not holding my breath.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

And so I take with me these words. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

The Mirror

I no longer look at every reflection of myself and see a map of disappointments. I see vigor, curves and force, an organic tumble of sensual, sexual energy. I stand straighter. I breathe deeper. My heart opens.

I think when you start comparing "up" you only dissappoint yourself. Comparing yourself to a woman that is exquisitely beautiful is not healthy. I learned while working at Impressions that all of those visions of beauty are Photoshopped to the extreme.

I am never going to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones or Elizabeth Taylor. I am blonde, pale, with huge blue eyes,and lips I wish were a bit fuller on the top. But all in all, I'm pleased with my look. I'm not edgy, I admire people that do have that look, but I just look silly.

I saw a girl at Merritt's the other day that has a Betty Page look going. She's done a pretty good job of it and looks wonderful. While I admire her, I could never have that look without looking silly.

As I get older I think I look better...maybe that is just accepting myself for who I am. Don't get me wrong, I still spend a lot of money on my face, specifically the skin on my face, I don't let the sun touch it, and I do not go out in public without color on my lips and eyebrows. But that is me and who I am. Have I had botox, you betcha. Will I do it again? You betcha. I don't like that crease that I get between my eyes and that is where the botox goes. I proudly admit it.

But it's nice to be comfortable and I've never really cared what others thought.

Reading and the smell of a good book

I have been using my Kindle so much lately to read that I forgot the joy of pulling out an old book with leather binding and putting my nose in it and pulling all of that old book smell out.

For some reason one of my favorite times to read is when it is raining. Perhaps it is because that is what we did as children when we couldn't go outside. We read.

I remember I was reading a very good Nancy Drew Mystery and had to go to school but that afternoon it had turned stormy and we I got home I went into my bedroom, sat in my white bean-bag chair and started reading Nancy. My mother brought in some freshly popped popcorn and I got to sit in there and read until it was time for dinner. I still remember the rain on my windows and how cozy I was. I think my Beagle, Suzie, was in there with me, crashed on the bed.

The thought of going into a room lined with old and new books with a glass of bourbon or wine, curling up with a book, and losing myself for several hours sounds wonderful.

Disappointment turns to calmness

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

One relationship turns in a direction not anticipated but nothing can be done to change course.

I've come a long way baby because today after someone I care for hung up on me after a rather cold conversation, I sat back and took a breath, gathered my cell phone and walked out of the small conference room.

Not so long ago I would have picked back up the phone, redialed and said, "don't you ever hang up on me again." I would have meant it.
Don't get me wrong, I do mean it...but it wasn't worth engaging in a battle where there would be no victor.

Another's unhappiness turned into abrupt and cold responses have nothing to do with me. I was kind, I was supportive, I was loving, I was concerned, and giving. In fact, I went way above and beyond for this friend. It isn't my place to be more than that nor could I have read the situation differently.

Leaving one alone seems to be the right track....leaving one alone to figure out their own pain and depression and dysfunction because I shouldn't have to work this hard at a friendship.

It is disappointing and sad that good intentions were met with distain. And it is a shame that the person I knew is no longer the person I am faced with and that is hard to see. Buried under all of that anger and sadness is a really great person. I saw it, I embraced it, and I was happy to have it in my life.

I am a fixer, but I cannot fix this, and I have already fixed what was broken with me and opened my heart and mind to a much happier, healthier life. If you don't want that kind of friend, then that is too bad because I offer the closest friendship, the utmost respect, the deepest love, and unending kindness. All I ask in return is respect, kindness, and to be treated well and communicated with in a manner that is fair.

But after dealing with the goodness, kindness, and wisdom of two very special people today I realized I'm fine...happy in fact....and I have many other people that love and respect and genuinely like me. Thank you Lis, thank you James.

Last night, I received a call from an old friend of mine. He called just to check up on me, just to see if I needed anything from his trip to Dallas, and to see how I was. We have known each other a very long time and he tells me things about his life that I know he shares with no one. It is a special friendship and there have been things we have shared that no one can take away from us....including the death of my Mother. Literally, he stood in the room, his back against the wall, as she died. His strength is always like a blanket I can wrap around me when I need it.

To you, I thank and tell you I love you, and words cannot express the journey we've been on and will continue....even when you irritate the bejeezus out of me.

Happy Father's Day

There are a few men that have had a major affect on my life. My father, my brother-in-law, Neal S., Jim Nichols, and a couple of very close friends. All are or were terrific fathers.

The older I get, the more I learn about my Father. I thought I knew almost everything and then I was told something about him that I never knew. The older I get the more I realize the profound affect

my Dad had on my life. But what I have come to understand is that he was just a man.

After my Mom died my sister and I were going through paperwork and found a bundle of letters that my father had written to Mom when he was in the Army Air Corp. Half way through the first letter dripping with love and terms of endearment I asked my sister if she were sure that was OUR father that wrote those words.

I miss my Dad. I don't have the person to call and talk sports or ask stupid questions that only Daddy would answer without making fun of me. "What is lake affect snow?" I asked my first winter in Chicago. I had no idea but I kept hearing it on TV. I wouldn't ask my Chicago friends because I didn't want them to think I was an idiot. I called my Dad.

It was Dad I called when the mangy red dog with pointy ears was in my driveway. "Honey, that's a fox."

It was Dad I called when the "bear" was in the trees outside of my house. It wasn't a bear, it was a black hefty bag caught in the trees. When I told this to my dad he said in the same calm voice, "well, Honey, at least it isn't a bear."

My father never called any of us by our name unless he was angry. I never, ever hear "Patrice" unless I was in serious trouble. We were "honey" or "babe". He was the same with my Mom. He usually called her "Honey" and my sister and I got "babe". He was the same with his grandchildren.

I loved my Dad very much and I love him more now that I know he was just a man, that did amazing things for his family without needing any credit or any recognition

The Fixer

Recent events have brought to light that I am a fixer. This seems to be a bad label to put on a person but in pondering it I find that there is a reason and the reasons are good.

I am a very private person who didn't easily show emotion. I picked that trick up from my Dad. It wasn't until recently that I found that on the outside he was tough and emotionless...but inside he must have been churning...just like his daughter.

I have been envious my entire adult life of my older sister because she wears her heart on her sleeve and shows how she feels. I wanted that ability. I kept so much from so many for so long that this past year has been an awakening of self.

I just read a Yes or No question that stated "I feel wonderful when I can fix other's problems, but feel terrible when I cannot". Bingo.

I want to fix the problems of those I love. I don't want them to struggle or be depressed or be unhappy. I want to do that one thing that will snap them out of it. But what I have learned is that I cannot fix it. Obviously some things can be fixed or aided but not the really deep issues. I should know this because no-one could fix me. Physically, yes. Fixing is hard work aided by some surgery and an unexpected trip to the emergency room where I prayed harder than I have in a long time. I bargained, I asked, and amazingly I was answered. Not in the way I had thought..."ok, TC, (my body or God speaking; whichever) you're not having a heart attack, but you've pushed all of this emotional junk down for so long I'm going to spew it up so that you will pay attention."

Thank you. I paid attention.

In the past several weeks I have come face-to-face with situations that make me fall back on my strong resolve but still "the fixer" comes riding in on her white horse.

I remember when Dad was struggling with his COPD; when it was uncomfortable for some just to watch him breathe, I was, mentally, breathing for him. If I could just get enough air into my lungs when he was trying to do the same I could ease his pain. Of course, I couldn't actually breathe for him but my body reacted without a thought. I would find myself breathing deeply, letting it out. I had healthy lungs, maybe some of this would help him.

I keep hearing "you cannot fix everything" and I know this, but it doesn't stop me from trying to help in ways that might make life a little easier. Perhaps it is my way to be important to someone; to truly matter in their life. I don't know. But the real reason is that I just don't want people I love to hurt. If I can help them I will try everything.

To watch someone you care for look so sad and shut down makes me hurt. I ssw this yesterday; the look on the face of utterly shutting down.

What was I to do? Act like it didn't hurt me? Not reach out and try to comfort them or just to let them know I was right there for them.

Rough days

This week was tough. Old loves pop in and make memories ugly and tainted. That is sad for me.
Yesterday started out early as I was up at 5 a.m. and working by 5:30 because I had a dance recital at 12:30. As I sat in the small studio watching Evie's tap and ballet routines I became a bit nostalgic because I felt my Mom with us. My mom would have been over the moon with pride watching her Great-Granddaughter carry on the tradition.
Yesterday afternoon (post recital) started off with anticipation and happiness that I would be spending it with one of my favorite people.
But, alas, as things work out for me, that wasn't to be. It was a quick lunch, an errand, and then some time together talking...and then over.
It's funny how you can look forward to something and then let circumstances beyond your control disappoint you.
Usually I take that kind of thing as inevitable, but every once in awhile I let it touch me; affect me.
Then I feel weak and selfish for wanting it and expressing my feelings.
No doubt that I push everything down deep inside. I think that came to a lovely climax right before Christmas when over 40 years of pushing feelings deep inside finally rose to the surface.
Somehow for me there has to be a safe place where I can say what I feel and not feel selfish and weak for doing it.
Part of me doesn't want to make the other person feel badly about their actions, yet, their actions might be unfair or hurtful to me.
I never have trouble saying what I think...that spews out like a volcano when properly pushed. But saying how I feel is totally a different animal. I know this trait I learned from my Father. My Mother never let a thought or feeling stay inside; you always knew how she felt, thought, believed.
I suppose to the favorite person of yesterday I could have handled it better, but I did not. I was very surprised that I told him later what I thought (aided by Vodka). I will be surprised if he doesn't think I'm a nut and doesn't wish to be with me any longer. I suppose that is what I expect and have done nothing today but leave him alone.
You see I want so badly for those I love to really see me. Me. And I want them to understand that when I love, I love unconditionally, and unselfishly, and with total emotional commitment. I want them to see all the good contained in the hard-coated shell. But maybe it is my job in this life to be loving to others, compassionate to others, and not expect any of that for myself. Maybe I'm paying for sins of another life that I just don't know about. I do know that it gets tiring.
Now I can hear the voice in my head that is telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself, buck up, be strong, quit whining, and get on with things.