Rough days

This week was tough. Old loves pop in and make memories ugly and tainted. That is sad for me.
Yesterday started out early as I was up at 5 a.m. and working by 5:30 because I had a dance recital at 12:30. As I sat in the small studio watching Evie's tap and ballet routines I became a bit nostalgic because I felt my Mom with us. My mom would have been over the moon with pride watching her Great-Granddaughter carry on the tradition.
Yesterday afternoon (post recital) started off with anticipation and happiness that I would be spending it with one of my favorite people.
But, alas, as things work out for me, that wasn't to be. It was a quick lunch, an errand, and then some time together talking...and then over.
It's funny how you can look forward to something and then let circumstances beyond your control disappoint you.
Usually I take that kind of thing as inevitable, but every once in awhile I let it touch me; affect me.
Then I feel weak and selfish for wanting it and expressing my feelings.
No doubt that I push everything down deep inside. I think that came to a lovely climax right before Christmas when over 40 years of pushing feelings deep inside finally rose to the surface.
Somehow for me there has to be a safe place where I can say what I feel and not feel selfish and weak for doing it.
Part of me doesn't want to make the other person feel badly about their actions, yet, their actions might be unfair or hurtful to me.
I never have trouble saying what I think...that spews out like a volcano when properly pushed. But saying how I feel is totally a different animal. I know this trait I learned from my Father. My Mother never let a thought or feeling stay inside; you always knew how she felt, thought, believed.
I suppose to the favorite person of yesterday I could have handled it better, but I did not. I was very surprised that I told him later what I thought (aided by Vodka). I will be surprised if he doesn't think I'm a nut and doesn't wish to be with me any longer. I suppose that is what I expect and have done nothing today but leave him alone.
You see I want so badly for those I love to really see me. Me. And I want them to understand that when I love, I love unconditionally, and unselfishly, and with total emotional commitment. I want them to see all the good contained in the hard-coated shell. But maybe it is my job in this life to be loving to others, compassionate to others, and not expect any of that for myself. Maybe I'm paying for sins of another life that I just don't know about. I do know that it gets tiring.
Now I can hear the voice in my head that is telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself, buck up, be strong, quit whining, and get on with things.